For me, it evolves round words & meanings – languages breaking them up – finding their groundings – why is that like that, etc… except all, Chinese & German &
English combined – it was to do with sounds and _____ sounds – such as 'chair' = car in Chinese, = so on & so on = char – to be charred – difficult to recall it all now… Why do the Germans spell Hueng Koang like how
it actually sounds in Cantonese?Plus memories of childhood, became very prominent… also things, 'phrases' people said to me – things I did not quite understand, things that jarred, things I had not finished puzzling
over – they became apparent – as if, they were clues to the thoughts I was working on now…
Upheavals – slightness changes ever so slightly – these had meaning. It became automatic to connect these with the things I
was puzzling over at that time.
Awful things – realising the TV was talking at me… Saying/ helping me… Then realising it had exposed all to the world all things! – like my bodily functions, etc, etc – and left me
feeling degraded and humiliated…as if the world had been watching me all the time…
I answered people and gave them all control over me as I believed that my life was not mine to have… Yes, I had been bad & felt
bad for it… I had no legs to stand on… It was up to them what they did to me…
I did not 'see people', though after one night of not sleeping, I began to have hallucinations – that's when alarm bells rang in the people
around me… I did not sleep because I believed it was the way out to boycott all these things that were being done to me…
I was convinced friends were trying to lure me out of the house, so that I could be dumped
somewhere, and left to fend for myself, - become a tramp, a beggar, a prostitute… but I was too chicken & even though I agreed I needed to be punished for the 'wrong-doings' I believed I had done, I couldn't go
through with it… despite mentally preparing myself for it for days for this outcome…
