March 2007




	31st March 2007: Last day of March - what shall I write? Glad that winter is over and that spring is in the air :-) 30th March 2007: why do you always do this to me? but then again you are such a nice person that it seems strange coming from you... you are really an evil devil? but I have forgiven you... I guess I know that you got bullied at school - and it's just working itself out aimed at me now... I try to make the buck stop at me... it goes no further... but it messes round and round in my head... just a days work at work... I'm not talking about Jim - who treats me just fine ;-P 29th March 2007: You are the stars above my head You are everything, I've no safety net And I accept I'm addicted to this kiss Breathless and intense You consume me like you've found a growing space And I have no defence Then my radar sends a warning Trying to numb my soul Trying to keep control But I'm falling Yes I'm falling The resistor has been breaking down inside me You are the stake I'd never bet, Until I had this dream we were wed, And it was something I felt quite easy about Funny that, I'm not scared, not a bit Of giving everything for the first time... Lyrics to Alisha's Attic song, "Resistor" 28th March 2007: I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your inhibitions Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten... Lyrics from Natasha Bedingfield's song, "Unwritten" 27th March 2007: ... I might look out Alisha's Attic on the internet... I might buy The House We Built :-) 26th March 2007: I feel sad - been feeling sad since yesterday... and now it is Monday morning... I feel like I could burst into tears if someone poked me with their finger - it's that precarious... (sigh)... but soon all these jumbled up emotions will find a better/ normal seating in my brain and that's after when my period starts... :-I Feel a bit better... just had lunch... got more energy now... what? - Avril Lavigne's new song 'Girlfriend'... ??? what is she doing??? She really has changed her tune(s)... Wow, it's nearly the end of the day... and it's really sunny :-) 24th March 2007: Just waiting for my homemade minestrone soup to cook - yum, yum... Now to tend to the mess which is called my writing... it's been quite very fruitful... but unfortunately the late night ramblings have been censored by the morning-awake Annie... and so things are left in limbo at the moment... Actually, it's like a bomb site... There is carnage everywhere... Annie doesn't live here (anymore)... la, la, la... - well, not the Annie here now nowadays... otherwise she is carrying way too much baggage around... ok maybe she dips back in every now and then for inspiration :-I 23rd March 2007: Peking Duck-Style Eduation In China and other Asian nations, students often memorize books for public examinations without understanding the contents. Due to its similarity in stuffing a duck for Peking Duck, it is called "Peking duck-style education". - so that's why no one takes my qualifications seriously (sigh) but hey - i did it in an English school ;-) .... 22nd March 2007: He used to call me buttercup… (oh my God, that sounds really bad! :-I) Actually, it was a when I was ill several years ago…It was a soft toy and he used to call me 'cupcake'. "It's ok cupcake". "Look at this cupcake". "Look at the stars cupcake". "Don't worry cupcake". He also appeared in my digital clock radio as the red glowing numbers plus the colon... He pointed things out - made me laugh with his jokes, and cry with his revelations of the truth... -------------------------------------------------------- I might decide to let the waterworks pour... I won't hold back now in my writings - and see where they lead me... I try not to write too much sometimes... sometimes I try to censor stuff... because basically I am scared someone out there will take advantage in some way. eg. report me as clinically insane (although I have been a successful architectural assistant for more than 6 years now since finishing university) or someone uses something to try to sue me (for whatever reason) or the fact that someone might steal something from me (then I might be chuffed at first but eventually feel a bit used...) :-( 21st March 2007: At the weekend we tried to watch 'Borat'... but we didn't really find it funny... it fact I found it quite boring and vulgar-trying-to-be-funny... I guess I am essentially Chinese still... It was the first film where I thought my time would be better spent doing something else and that quarter of an hour into the film I said to Jim that I was bored and if this was how it was, I couldn't be bothered to watch any more - and so we switched it off... 20th March 2007: I feel happy... content... blissful... :-) ... The weather has turned cold but it is really sunny :-) Work is going ok - quite on track at the moment... it is lunchtime... "Law & Order - Criminal Intent" is really good lately... there is something about the showings... hmmm... If I weren't ill, I would think they were helping me through my stuff in my life... There is always some sort of moral to be drawn at the end of each episode... Somehow, in this season, we learn to understand about the criminal mind more and even feel empathy for some of the criminals... 18th March 2007: Things to do today - it is Mother's Day and so I will try to call my mum... Bake things? - though not very good since I have a cold... Jim is sleeping since he got called out at 1am this morning... ... I don't know what to do at the moment... I have got 1000 points at Texaco to redeem... I might get M&S vouchers I think... Maybe I will drink my cup of tea and all things will be clearer then?... Hmmm... ... I have gone and had a shower now - I feel much better... There is this Japanese thing called wabi - and it is when something is simple yet beautiful... somehow I can see and feel it in this moment... I am overwhelmed by happiness... though could just be the illness... yet it's something to be savoured... Now to dry my hair and hang out the washing... Wow, it is 2.30pm now... Jim has got up and made himself some lunch... My alarm is going off to tend to the meringues in the oven... hooray they are looking ok :-) Yes, I got the wabi from Alain de Botton's new book... He might be dismayed but I am reading it backwards... I often find now that I get the most out of reading stuff started from the back chapters/ articles/ paragraphs first and then coming through to the front and introductions... I was wondering why this is... I decided to give it a go full on because I was dismayed that I just wasn't getting through enough reading material that I wanted to read - somehow it was always the mood wasn't right or I would walk off after having read the introduction to go and ponder on things... I was trying to work out why reading backwards worked... I think it is because you take away the feeling that there is an immense conclusion at the end which you must plough through the book/ article in order to get to - and I inevitably run out of steam... but if you read the end bits first, there is this new situation where you really want to read the bits before to see how the ending was arrived at... With magazine articles it's different - I never make time for them and so I sometimes don't know what's at the end when I am in the middle of an article about Depression - eg... should I skim so that I have time in these fifteen minutes to read the article on how your hairstyle affects you mood? etc... Well, anyway, this reading backwards seems to be working with me and it's achieving my aim - to read more, and so I will stick with it... until my brain finds out and tells me something negative about why I like to do this and so therefore blocks this method = depression... ... I might write an email to a friend now because they are ill... I want to cheer them up... 17th March 2007: It's now 10.30am... Today I have got a bit of literature to do... write letters and read books... Wow, I have written my first (reply) letter to a university friend... He wrote a book! - on pharmacy :-) Now, the next thing is to push on and write to Julia - who has just had a second daughter! - I wish my life was so interesting ;-) Ok... I am now two-thirds through writing to Julia... I think I will take a break and get changed and have a shower... ... Might think about going to Sainsbury's soon... Wow, being ill with a cold is really strange - I feel like I am drunk - no inhibitions - write what I like, etc... Have brushed my teeth... and washed and feel all clean - except bunged up nose... will finish writing to Julia... what else is going on in my life to write about...hmmm... after the letter to Julia is the letter to Yvonne who has her birthday soon - I think I will send an e-card since the letter won't arrive in time... Hmmm... finished writing the letter to Julia now... It is 11.50am... If I go to Sainsbury's now it will be very crowded - but I can infect loads of people with my cold - muhahaha! - no not really... I think I will go at 1pm - hopefully that will be when most people have gone home to have their lunch etc... Now, for breakfast... wow, it is really verbal spew today... I've managed to convince myself to eat the Oatabix which I dislike eating but which is good for my high cholesterol... I've just now transferred some money over into my new Smile current account and will be switching and closing my account with the other bank soon... Jim has just gone out to the post office to get a form for a motorbike driving licence and also to post my two letters and to get a stamp for Yvonne's... I am ploughing on eating the Oatabix - which have gone really soggy really quickly... Next to do is to fill in the blanks in my Dive Log book - the bits about which Pressure Group you are in at the end of each dive, consecutive dives etc... Then it is onto reading about the place of our next holiday which is Malta... reading the guide book... I haven't had a cold for over 3-4 years now... In a way it seems novel and I don't mind being run down... strangely I seem to achieve a lot at the moment - I have lost procrastination... We just watched the Libertine... It was interesting - if you excuse all the foul language and the phalluses, etc... Johnny Depp was good - I was glad to find that I still haven't fallen in love with him, though I really respect him as an actor :-) The girl who played the actress showed us how good acting can be... I suppose you have to have felt things in life otherwise it is very difficult to be sincere... We watched it on the follow on from watching Casanova - but two different styled films... Casanova was a bit of mediocre film - to pass the time with - actually it was rather bad... Now it is quarter to six... I will start to prepare dinner soon... We are having chicken and mushroom stroganoff :-) For some reason I am really looking forward to making meringues again... this time will we whip them to stiff peaks instead of soft peaks and hopefully they will be even better - plus using a recipe from Delia Smith's cookbook this time... ... Just letting the chicken fry off at the moment... now I have added in the onions and garlic... going to put the rice on in 10 minutes... The chicken will do for another 5 minutes and then I will add the sauce... ... It's now all ready... just need to sit back and let it cook... ... we have eaten... Jim & I are going to watch an episode of Farscape and then it will be time for CSI:NY and then two continuous hours of Grey's Anatomy - I only started watching it last weekend and sort of got a bit hooked... It's good because I can watch it in bed and it's relaxing and I still manage to get up in the morning... I've decided that I can go a bit hectic in the weekends since my week is so structured and devoted mainly to work... Just reading up on Delia's cookbook to see what recipe to cook next weekend :-) I fancy a penne with leeks and bacon recipe... Tomorrow we have hoki and leek risotto but we always have that and I am trying to expand a bit more... 16th March 2007: I got a cold... and am all bunged up :-( It's lunchtime now... It's really sunny outside... This weekend we intend to stay in and watch films... I intend to do a mad midnight dash to Sainsbury's and buy all our goodies that will keep us stocked up for a month... Am at Jim's now - I am glad that I stayed and worked through it at work today... I got quite a lot done :-) Now my joints are aching and I found that somehow as I drove down I seemed to be superfocused on the drive... perhaps, my brain knew that I am not 100% and has switched over to vital tasks mode... Eating jacket potatoes with baked beans now... can't taste a thing because my nose is all blocked up :-( ... don't mess with this girl or your life will be hell... la,la,la... It's true if someone wrongs me, usually something bad happens to them - I feel bad about this... Jim says it's karma... 15th March 2007: Sometimes, on my way home, as I drive past the field with the sheep in it, I get paranoid that my life is like theirs... I think I am free but really I am held captive... Something is using me... In the end, my fate is probably similar to the sheep's - where I will get slaughtered and eaten by my guardians... 14th March 2007: Hmmm... There are too many guys... too many guys to fall in love with - I can't possibly fall in love with another one (?) ... Yippee! I just got a phone call that one of my workloads has been cut in half :-) don't worry the job is secure - it's just that they don't want so many drawings for the Tender stage... :-P Now I am wondering if I am hurting somebody? It's all too confusing... It's such a nice day today :-) Somehow it's ok being trapped inside, working away and only let out when the sun has gone down... It has so much more value that way... 13th March 2007: Woke up with a banging headache this morning... Feel strange today :-I Damn it... Trying to capture some more of it... as I drive home... Hurting a man Today I was upset & hurting… I saw in his eyes (we'll call him – passer-by through our office)… I saw in his eyes that although he was a man – he was hurting… and so I stopped… It wasn't his fault… He was tender towards me – but I just bit his head off… and so I changed and the roles were reversed – except he didn't flare back at me… He was really hurting – I realised that although I am small in build and a woman, that I could be making this man feel very upset… He stuttered more as he conversed with me… I make an effort to ignore people's stuttering but then it dawned on me that I was making his life hell because the stuttering was very bad… Plus he looked like hell – as I looked in his eyes – he had probably had a hard night sleeping – the same as me… we were both upset by what occurred yesterday… But yet he managed to be tender… and I felt it – then felt remorse and spoke to him gently… Still feel a bit bad… then as he left, I realised that I loved him… So – surprises – full of love this week – don't know how long it will last – I could just sneakily put it down to my biological clock ticking away… Anyway, now realised that he was probably upset by someone else in the office and not me – I feel he was sorry he was one of the reasons that I was upset yesterday… 12th March 2007: Who ARE you? Where are you? Edward Norton Now I see you... You decided to beat me to a pulp...? I thought I was suffering... crying on my way back home... but then I saw your face... you had shown me to myself... I was not suffering - I had thought I seeked your love but yet what you gave me back was far greater... You look at me now - I look at you back - I understand now... how do I get off the island? Why is it real? Sigh… I can't replicate what I went through in the drive back home today... You have taken that away from me now... All I can say is that yes, you had shown me... Wow, that sounds so rubbish – how can I reproduce the phrases that went around in my head just moments ago… I hope you, Edward Norton don't mind me writing about you for whatever you stand for… since you were in Fight Club and that was a bit surreal… Anyway, ok… lost the atmosphere now… Things are going back to normal… But I saw your face, in my mind… You had shown to me that I being this weak suffering person – was not reality - I am not weak and suffering – I am in fact very strong inside – maybe playing it down… (it's coming back…) yuck, but it needs editing a lot… I wish I was a writer… only spurring on from GSCE English – how great… Anyway, you showed me myself and it was that which you had fallen in love with – you knew me – I knew me… and yet you had the power to change my world and had shown to me the reason why you were in love with me… It's not the silly fumbling shy girl – 'wow, that sounds so rubbish…' It's just you know me already inside and out… How grateful I am that you allow me to slink away back into my silly self… But yet, we have shared something and try as I might I can't hide myself from you anymore… That's why I feel gutted… in awe of you… By the way, (guys)… I wasn't really beaten up or harmed… I'm just following my train of thoughts – and wanted to write something explosive down – it's a piece of art/ verging on insanity… Hope you understand… you don't need to drag me off to the asylum… except I am paranoid that one of the partners is trying to replace me at work and I think he was on the Adrem or SIV website – made sure I saw it – as I said goodbye and left the office today… I'll check now…Yep, just went to the SIV website and he is doing the emotionally bullying and trying to get rid of me saga – ah no – could get sacked now for writing this… but no, how could he be surfing on that site just to make that out to me – that --- anyway, I don't want to digress – wow, that last phrase sounded like I was a psychological killer… Ok… anyway, I wanted to dwell on the Edward Norton tale… but it's all gone… and it's dinner time… I am still shocked about some things – other things… but feel that I have been myself lately… Well, I think I will eat and continue pushing with it a bit more after dinner :-) Help, yes… things are in a mess… I am in a mess… trying to stop myself from doing stupid things… I seem to be in love with 3 people at the moment… should I do something about it? Or not… I feel like I shouldn't because I can't be bothered to get no response and then I will be hurt… also all 3 cases are not very suitable ones to declare my love at… Hee, hee… I guess I am concerned and upset about things at work – but they will all be made better… I can do that… I suppose I just have to now live my life back as it was, Edward… Edward is a strange name… It never really meant anything to me and I suppose it doesn't actually mean anything… I feel like I could get ill now at the moment… but hell who cares now – I don't… Just got to get myself through the evening – now I will go to get changed and wash and brush my teeth for bed – feel a cold coming on – I got a sore throat… might go and drink some water now… 11th March 2007: It is now Sunday... I have been tidying up... Jim has shown me something on the internet - and now I am scarred for life! I need to go into therapy... I thought I could take it but I can't - helpppp! No, it's ok... it will just go into the quarantine section of my brain - where later on it will get deleted... shocking! We have been to see the Illusionist... It was a nice story :-) I was a bit distracted by the accent that Edward Norton had - the others didn't seem to speak with one - I felt it wasn't needed... Until the ending, I thought it was an ok film... – but the ending was a nice ending :-) 10th March 2007: Today we went to the Dive Show at ExCel... It was really good to look around - though we were not going to be buying anything this time round... It is now 8.20pm... We have been watching 'Stranger Than Fiction' - it was ok :-) It was an interesting film... and was funny in places like 'Lost on Translation' & 'The Secretary' was... Dustin Hoffman was really good as the literature professor - I liked his office at the university... It's the kind of nice environment I would like/ aspire to... Some how I feel I am only half living because my life is put on hold... I tend to live for the future and not the present... such as I buy books only after when they are 2-3 years old and I can pick them up for lower prices and then they stay on my bookshelf for another 2-3 years... and in the meantime I look at their covers and try to envisage what the book is about... It's a real joy and buzz to actually read the books in the end - when I finally do :-) Here's the schizophrenia bit (relates to the last webdiary entry): It's serious. She knows. Of course, this could all get really scary... but really it's just intelligent pre-empting... but it went like this and a lot further when I got ill... Hmmm... Jim has just gone out to get the Thai green curry takeaways - I am cooking the rice in the steamer... Tomorrow, we hope to go and see 'The Illusionist' and then I hope to bake some meringues and some raisin oaties... Now, this evening, I intend to tidy up some stuff - write a couple of letters to some old friends... and chill out... :-P 9th March 2007: Love Lost I had the most amazing dream this morning and woke up remembering it... A story was unfolding before me - it was a love story - my love story... I lived in an apartment which faced a brick gable end of a building across the street from mine... It was sunset and I had always enjoyed watching the purple/ red colours of the sky contrast against the building opposite mine... It gave me a happy feeling inside and a kind of yearning for perhaps a life I once knew but had now forgotten.... I started to remember that I had been madly in love with someone... I began to wonder about them: what they were doing now, what sort of life they led and were they were happy... It was by chance that our lives crossed for a brief moment in the past... I was happy to remember them... 6th March 2007: Arghhh! Tomorrow is not going to be a nice day... I didn't manage to get the printer to work again - still printing out bad quality and the Advanced Calibration didn't see the pattern that it had made - to be honest I didn't think it would because I could hardly see it... and so it cannot do it's calibration... A certain someone who kind of picks on me when things aren't going well for him is probably going to give me a hard time about the printer tomorrow... But it wasn't really my job to fix it but I stayed late to see if it would mend itself... Anyway, I could tell by the tone of his voice this afternoon that he is going to have a go at deadlines/ me tomorrow... All the way home, in the car I was thinking about how to deal with this person and I've come to the conclusion which I never use and that is that it's 'his problem...' If he diverts his frustrations in my direction - I am just going to ignore it/ him... I think I will think about my work now :-) I have one more 'easy' room layout to do and then the next stuff is more involved... Have been thinking about getting my prints out for a planning job tomorrow by pdfing them and then taking them round to the printers that we use down the road - hopefully they should have a computer and an A1 printer where they can print them off at 100% - don't let them do 'fit to paper size' eg. 99.8% Ok... also, my left shoulder hurts... and I haven't gone swimming today... I think I need to rest it... it's annoying because I have to change gear while driving and there are pangs of pain... Also, I cannot rest my head on my elbow on the desk etc... I don't know what I have done to it - maybe strained it in my sleep... ... I was thinking about curling up in a snug warm bed and just thinking of paradise - or something... But I feel I have got there - when I decided not to take any notice of this person who vents his annoyance out at me... 3rd March 2007: Today we are planning our next holiday - to Malta... also incorporating some diving with it...