29th October 2007:

Depression...

Ok... I am going to do an experiment called: talk myself out of depression... please note that I just generally feel depressed but still it's no fun when it happens... and I wait for it to be lifted...

Ok... going to make food - fish tonight... could do better - it's frozen.... also, could do a lot of tasks hanging around the flat at the mo... but think I will feel worse for doing it... eg. pushing myself when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and wait until I feel better...

There is calcium, and vit e etc... I might try... tonight I will read in bed my book... perhaps watch junk tv for a bit...

craving carbs lack of sunlight at mo... will pack my snacks for tomorrow lunch now...

Ok... I feel a bit better.... I vegged out in front of the TV till 7pm and then felt like I was still v. depressed and got stressed out - not relaxed - that time was passing away... So I got up and got dinner ready... and packed away the stuff on the draining board...

... still feel behind with things... arranging the books on the bookshelves... washing bedding... cleaning drying the recycle box bin... mainly putting the books on the shelf... thinking about next evening's meal - that I should do now :-)... my life is so jolly...

- washing the twenty odd dirty dish cloths in the washing machine... holding back for some reason... really just got to eat and read in bed this evening...

27th October 2007:

Yes,  I am going to try to change a few things in my life... more exercise and fresh fruit, cut out the eating of sweets... and too much dairy... been watching the diet doctors on TV... also, sometimes I suffer from lack of energy... more fresh veg... not too much citrus... also, I am going to just plough ahead and do stuff... potter around and take up walking more often... and enjoy it - then later on I will go jogging... we already go swimming... I suppose that I am over thirty now and it's time to up things and look after my body :-)

26th October 2007:

"Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely"
Lord Acton 1834-1902 British historian

25th October 2007:
 
Ok - I am going to try to change a few things in my life...
 
24th October 2007:
 
I've been running around lately, up and down stairs at work... generally, by the afternoon I feel v. tired...
 
22nd October 2007:

Hey, I'm special! :-D

It's my birthday today... I feel special... though most birthdays recently these years I have tried to let pass without much occurring... but now I feel special... perhaps it is because of the cards people have sent me - they have the words 'to a special someone' on them - it seems really poignant(?)... maybe I am special?... in a positive way... :-)

This evening Jim & I are going out to eat in a Thai restaurant... I am quite looking forward to it :-)

Also, I have finished reading my last book and will start on another one - I decided to be spontaneous and try to pick a book that would appeal to me of the moment - out of the hundreds that we own that have not been read - I think I have found my solace... it is in books... it's such a magical world - every one is different and takes you on a different journey... :-)

I am also trying to be sneaky and not read the heavy thick books just yet until I have got a few more thin books under my belt... as reading these will take less time and I feel like I have achieved more - plus I am quite a slow reader eg. I could easily get stuck on a thick book for 2 and a half years... which means I sacrificed a lot of other books on the way during that time...

Just waiting for Jim to get home now... I will do some things on my list of things to do... except I won't do the washing since it's a drag to do that on your birthday ;-)

17th October 2007:

It's much bigger than me... I can't fight it... - The reason why I don't want to have children... It isn't really my choice. I feel now a gut reaction to 'self-destruct'. It's because there is something wrong with me... I do not 'fit in' in society... The evolution model is still a bit behind/ NO! - it knows exactly what it's doing - to preserve itself/ humanity as it is at the moment - and I don't compute... or people like me just do not fit with it - it is behind with the times(?)

... Although, I may be intelligent, to society on a whole, I am expendable(?) (- no need for anymore little Annie's running around the place) - since I contain too many faults that need not be repeated in this society... I am a hindrance in this society - to it's greater goal...

What I am trying to say is that my decision not to have children is not really my decision - but rather a natural in-built decision...

To go against it would be to defy nature's course(?)

Maybe... my life thread ends with me and my genes are not passed on...

... I have just my lifetime to get across to the world what I want to get across...

No! Not having children is nature's way for me. I have too much important stuff to get across in my lifetime - to advance humanity, and childbearing is insignificant and has to be sacrificed... it's expendable... - but not me :-P

16th October 2007:

I thought I would say 'hello' and upload this diary... :-)

10th October 2007:

I belong in a place where I can shine... no, it's not Norman Foster's... maybe Richard Rogers... no, hang on - I am happy where I am now... and work is rewarding again... Only when it gets stuck is it v. stuck...

I am at work at the moment... it is evening 9pm... came in the change the back up tape and sort out a few things... actually did some work... then I had a eureka moment and thought... we always finish at 6pm - everyone just ups and leaves... including the bosses... which is good - but none of that presentation stuff is done... ti's times like this and working till midnight that made the job come alive... but then perhaps it would be stressful and not enjoyable... anyway, it was at first scary to come here this evening - and now am a bit scared in case some tries to enter the building...

Ok back to things... I am doing some printing - I think my senses tell me not to stay here too long - the lights attract attention and I am worried about my car in the car park...

Ooops... it's really quite scary! - I never should have bothered to come back to do the back up... :-S

9th October 2007:

Sometimes am I bored or lazy? - I can't work it out... when I am at work and I don't want to do something (which I am capable of doing) - is it because I am bored or because I am lazy?...

It feels as if I am saturated and can't do anymore... burnt out? don't know - what I am doing is not so difficult... :-?

4th October 2007:

Woke up feeling really depressed today... looks like it's that depressing time again... I got to think what to buy to eat this evening... A friend might call this evening also...

I wonder why I get so hurt all the time... it's as if the world is against me - oh blah, blah, blah... go away! - No, I cannot feel better... it's just the time... but maybe I should recouperate...

If only my neck would feel better... I slept funny last night... or it could have been the cold...

Anyway... I am on my own mission... I realise that I might not be your average normal person... I seem to get a lot of peer pressure to conform since these people cannot be my friends because it shakes up their world... I'm talking about people at work... But at least it's only psychological - or maybe that is worse? Anyway, I am going to try to remember my own values and just be 'me' - despite being abnormal - or so I am made to feel...

... I wonder how alain de botton is getting on with writing his new book...

It's lunchtime and I am chilling out... Not much to do this lunchtime except pack a bag for this friday night...

... I wish people didn't get depressed and kill themselves over it... I don't think I will - people say I'm tough... but I learnt to watch my back at school - though most major bullies overlooked me... I 'passed' being sweet innocent pretty little Chinese girl that everyone wanted to be part of my culture...

... but some of my friends got bullied - and that depressed & angered me...

I hate how some people make others feel...

Ok - my lunch of tuna on toast is ready - hmmm, tuna - hopefully - this will combat any deadness happenning in my brain due to being down...

Ok... now I have come back from food shopping... It is 6.30pm... It is chicken and mushroom stroganoff for tonight...

2nd October 2007:

I am waiting for our memory foam mattresss to arrive... The wait is killing me... Also, at work my computer is not well... and looks like I have to re-install AutoCAD on it :-(

1st October 2007:

There is a version of it running in the background of my life... - that is what I meant to say... the last sentence/ ending was a bit strange... (see September's posts).