30th January 2007:

There has been a feeling of urgency to upload but I have been confused and sat on things... and also ill/ tired... last night I was going to do so but Jim was doing something to his computer - installing new RAM (which didn't work...) and I couldn't get to it... so I went off... depressed instead and did other things...

Ok... now this feeling of urgency must not be misconstrued by the wrong people... Hey, it's not aimed for you if we have met in real life or if I am in email contact with you at the moment... so many explanations... but really - maybe I should just go to bed and pull the covers over my head - and hope to disappear...

29th January 2007:

Today is such a tumultuous day! I am really tired...

28th January 2007:

I wanted to write an entry about something but I deleted it all because I was unsure whether it would have been bad to 'bare all'... But there are reminents of it which I keep remembering and thinking that they are worthy to be written down and perhaps read by people :-) It's the 'I'm sorry/ explanation' one...

Also, a lot of what I write could be misconstrued - this sentence has been written before but it got deleted a few days earlier... and also the accompanying - writing this sentence could also be misconstrued - as if I know that I have been misconstrued and want to correct myself...

It's actually, not that clear cut... (I wish I had a mouse attached to this new laptop comp that is my Dad's :-( anyway, perhaps I am in a better mind now to write this since when I splurted out stuff before it was still in the phase when I was quite ill and also I was pre-menstrual and everything seemd to have heightened effect on my feelings/ emotions...

ok... now... I am alone in my room at my parents house and really feeling quite snug and warm inside - ready to write this... was listening to music earlier - music draws out the sentences from within me - but I can't work with music on and now when I switch it off I have to work fast to capture those thoughts/ breakthroughs(!) that I had found...

Anyway... ok... the sorry thing... it is kind of difficult I wish I had not deleted it... but it went something like this... I recently wrote something about these songs that were going around in the air in my head recently... and they do have meaning to me... I feel I have a following...

Ok.. what I mean is that they were aimed at someone in particular but they probably don't read my Webdiary... also, now starts the explanation of 'sorries'... You see, I don't want to hurt anyone - I like most of you who read the diary - I would like to say - but that sounds spooky - but you know what I mean - I write sometimes - to nudge/ dislodge 'bad' things that happen to people and when they read my diary they might get inspired/ or dislodged into progressing with their life/ solving a problem, etc...

Ok... here are the sorries:-

If I confide in you and generally we are friends - then sorry it wasn't aimed at you... - but you probably are ok with this anyway... :-) If I haven't met you in real life but only know you online then I am sorry too/ or you are relieved...

Ok... just another half an hour then I am going to bed... my brain is all muddled again...

It is aimed at someone who I probably offended a long time ago - and I can't seem to get over them... Now, I am thinking that there is one person out there who might think it is them - but no, if you have had any contact with me: phone, in person, email - then it isn't you - you are probably relieved or I am sorry...

I had a good long list of how to tick everyone off the list... oh yes, basically, if you are around my age then it's not you either - sorry or you are relieved...

It's basically someone from my past - who comes back to haunt me - but they are still alive and walking the planet somewhere... Every now and then I remember them - last time was this Christmas... things get quite vivid and I have to stop myself from trying to find out what they are doing now...

Oh no, it isn't a writer - so that - I'm sorry - or this is quite amusing :-)

Ok - ending it here - I think I have covered most people - but if I go on too much I will narrow it down too much and I like to be discreet...

27th January 2007:

Life feels good again - I am happy with how it is going... yes, there could be more time to read but generally I am happy... still reading The Other Boleyn Girl... am half way through the book now...

It is a really sunny day today and we opened the windows and I feel spring is coming now :-)
 
... Now it is the afternoon :-)

26th January 2007:

IQ Test
This morning I got up and did an IQ test online. My IQ on "A test of innate intelligence - 2D images" was 126. Am a bit disappointed since when I took my general IQ test when I was a kid it was 134... I think I have grown in other ways since I left school... or grown stupider... or not changed at all apart from my age... Also, at the beginning of the test I went off to get my glasses and I couldn't restart the test and so the first question took me 45secs - which is a long time if you think about it... Also, it was a spur of the moment thing and I hadn't fully woken up or had my cup of tea yet...

Plus also, my home for doing tests is the exam room in school/ university - I think really clearly then and have a lot more confidence... :-I

25th January 2007:

Things are back on track... :-)

19th January 2007:

Feeling "Off"
- muddled head - doing things because I remembered this is what I do normally - feel a bit tearful - tired - leaving things out when normally I would have tidied them away - no track of time - repeatly cursing myself for doing things in the wrong order/ not v organised way - drank tea - felt a bit better - it is a struggle to make myself adhere to the list of things I had so carefully written down in order not to forget to do them today - there is no enjoyment in doing them - I mentally have to hugely convince myself that I have to do these tasks/ that I want to... eg put petrol in car/ buy fresh fruit - I keep on wanting to put it off for a time when I 'feel better' - I feel as if the world is attacking me - it's a real struggle - I cry internally because I force myself to put on a 'happy face'...

18th January 2007:

Things to do:
- try to read upload more... (how to find the time?)
- do more exercise

Things done:
- eat more healthily - organic veg box + free range chicken
- organise books

17th January 2007:

True Friends stab you in the front by Oscar Wilde

16th January 2008:

I am quite glad that my life is returning back to normal after a 'mishap'... It is good... good to return to normal - and to be planning again for things - near things in the future etc... good to stay on top of things...

Work is going ok...

This evening we plan to watch some TV... but I also need to get organised a bit with things... time to go hyper again... I think it is ok - there is just a lot of stuff housekeeping to do - and I did keep up with it yesterday... it was good because Jim went to bed early and I found that I quite enjoyed the time catching up on paperwork late at night... except it woke Jim up when I started tidying away bedding and stuff (we had a guest to stay at the weekend).

Now I just got to get through this and do the things I want to do this evening... I might make a quiche sometime... to use the organic tomatoes sliced on top and the brocolli inside with leeks (?)

14th January 2008:

Back at work now... things are going ok... a bit slow... I have been listening to Amy Winehouse in the car... The "Back to Black" album...

13th January 2008:

I feel a bit better today... the weather is very dreary though...

12th January 2008:

Ok... Feel a bit better today... I have some spare time to write... (our guest is having a nap on the sofa and Jim is geeking on his computer)... I went and bought some music from Oxfam today... I have been listening to Gloria Estefan - somehow, I feel in the mood for the song: 'Cuts Both Ways' or maybe it was 'Here We Are'... anyway, I kind of feel all dreary - still half-awake... so glad that I know what my work planned out to be on Monday is...

I grew up listening to Gloria Estefan because my brother bought a cassette of her music and then somehow it got played more in my room on my music player and then stayed in my music collection... Now I have it on CD which means I can skip tracks and play them in my car :-)

This might be a long rambling entry again... Also, last night or probably early morning I was having a dream... I dreamt that I went to Manderley ... no sorry, that just slipped out! I mean I dreamt that my mother had a third child but I didn't really know about it... I came back to my parents house one day and there she was - this young child... a girl... I knelt down and spoke to her... and then I vaguely remembered that my mother had told me about her when I was a child but I hadn't really listened... anyway, I felt an immediate sense that I wanted to love this child and protect her from the world and just let her grow up happy and full of smiles... I knew what the world was like and I was determined that she would see none of this until she was an adult... I also felt that my mother wanted to show me how my heart really lay about having children...

"Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action" Benjamin Disraeli

CUTS BOTH WAYS Lyrics by Gloria Estefan
It cuts both ways
Our love is like knife
That cuts both ways
It's driven deep into my heart each time
That I realize
How it cuts both ways
Can't be together
Cannot live apart
We're heading straight into a broken heart
But I can't stop

(bridge)
'Cause I feel too much to let you go
I'm hurting you and it's hard I know
To stay and fight for what we've got
Knowing it'll never be good enough
'Cause you and I are dangerous
We want too much and life ain't that way
Don't ask for more
You'd be a fool
Haven't we already broken every rule

It cuts both ways, we're in too deep for sorry alibis
Can't have regrets or even question why
We can't say goodbye
Because it cuts both ways
No more illusions of the love we make
No sacrifice would ever be too great
If you would just stay

(bridge)
'Cause I feel too much to let you go
I'm hurting you and it's hard I know
To stay and fight for what we've got
Knowing it'll never be good enough
'Cause you and I are dangerous
We want too much and life ain't that way
Don't ask for more
Don't be a fool
Haven't we already broken every rule

Cuts both ways
Our love is like a knife that cuts both ways
It's drivin' deep into my heart each time I see we livin' the lie
And it cuts both ways
It cuts both ways, mmm
Cuts both ways
Cuts both ways

HERE WE ARE Lyrics by Gloria Estefan
Here we are
Face to face
We forget, time and place
Hold me now
Don't let go
Though it hurts and we both know
The time we spend together's gonna fly
And everything you do to me
Is gonna feel so right
Baby when you're loving me
I feel like I could cry
'Cause there's nothing I can do
To keep from loving you

Here we are
All alone
Trembling hearts, beating strong
Reaching out, a breathless kiss
I never thought could feel like this
I want to stop the time from passing by
I wanna close my eyes and feel your lips are touching mine
Baby when you're close to me
I want you more each time
And there's nothing I can do, to keep from loving you

(Bridge)
There's nothing I can do
I'm helpless in your arms
Oh baby what you do
I'm in love, this is it
There's no turning back this time
No no no
Here we are
Once again
But this time we're only friends
Funny world
Sometimes lies
Become the game, when love's the prize
And though no one knows what's going on inside
And all the love I feel for you
Is something I should hide
When I have you close to me
The feeling's so sublime
That there's nothing I can do
To keep from loving you
No, no, no, Can't keep from loving you baby no, no, no

10th January 2008:

Unfortunately, I have got hooked on Facebook at the moment... and have not been writing in my Webdiary :-I but things will go back to normal soon... also been working really hard at work and am quite tired... running on adrenaline... I think tonight I will get a good night's sleep - I need to just to relax and re-think re-coup about the day/ things going on...

Yes, I am quite tired/ worn out at the moment... but happy :-) not depressed... I was reading about the Artistic Temperament - but have had to stop in case it got me ill... I do feel a bit ill... been a bit manic recently and it's time to take control and slow down a bit... Wow... I have kind of missed writing here... Just got to get through today... and go swimming in evening - though it won't be too strenuous I think...

I would like to snuggle up in bed and have my eyes closed and listen to the noise of the traffic pass by outside... :-

Ok... I left work early today at 5pm... I think I am ill and also tired and so have cancelled swimming... just letting Jim cook me sausage, eggs and baked beans with a few potatoes when he gets in...

Yes, I am really quite ill - a bit mentally ill at the moment... though at work people are pleased with how it is going and I can leave today at 5pm instead of 6pm... It makes a big difference... I couldn't push myself to trawl through the engineers' drawings to solve some queries we had on our design at the moment... then I knew that going to bed 2 hours after my normal bedtime for 3 nights in a row - is not good - I need to recoup... we have a friend visiting this weekend and so I don't want to be tired and run down through all that as well... good that there is still Friday to get some more work done...  I don't know if I am repeating myself because I don't have the brain energy to scroll up this text and re-read as I usually do :-I

I am ill because there is someone out there writing stuff and I am afraid people think it is me - but it isn't - I only write here on my Webdiary and on Facebook... and I don't really write anything significant elsewhere...

Ok... it is 5.45pm now... I came in and put the washing away and then I packed my lunch with fruit and crisps for tomorrow... I am glad that I didn't force myself to go swimming this evening... sometimes, people need to rest and I don't want to get exhausted... I think I might go and lie down now...

No, got to just plan for tomorrow... or plan what to do till Jim comes back - I am too tired to let the TV maraud my senses with information and so prefer to ramble here in the hope that I will pick up and do something - I might get all the cooking utensils out ready and set the table... good idea - that is needed to be done...

Actually, changing into pyjamas and washing my face has helped...

Ok... now I have washed and prepared the vegetables: I carrot, 1 parsnip, 6no small robinta  potatoes, a handful of organic mushrooms... we had an organic veg box delivered this week - first time... a try out... seems to be very good value for money :-)

Ok... now I might rest...