31st May 2008:

Unlocking The Potential
I was just wondering about stepping out from the norm... If we all just felt a bit more free to be different - what would the world be like? I mean, that we did things in different ways because we wanted to (providing it wasn't harming others)... I don't know... maybe I should try and venture to do so... When I do so - my whole perspective shifts to a different angle... - my relationships with people change... I am not so dependent on them for approval for my actions - perhaps I feel free :-) It's magical... I still respect others but now the opportunity for them to respect me back is available... and I am able to take that...

30th May 2008:

When people withdraw their love/ friendship <GOD> it hurts :-I

29th May 2008:

Oh dear... I feel I am not a good person... Why does this keep happenning to me... and I hate the answer - if I face the facts that stare me in the face - something I can't flit around and change and pretend to be stupid... What use is pretending to be stupid when really there are people out there who are clever enough to know that I am pretending to be stupid - and unfortunately they do not think I am stupid for pretending to be stupid and keep pointing this out... It really ruffles me because it makes me think that what would happen if I tried to be clever - cleverer than I am? then trully I would live... but instead I am trying to go the opposite way to everyone else on this planet - and try to be stupid... but my brain is starting to pay attention to these people who won't allow me to be stupid :-I

I suppose if I became clever I would then be able to help others and unlock their potential... - that's worth doing it for... but somehow I feel held back as if... I will lose myself... probably lose my roots... and so I live a mismatched life - punctuated by people seeing into me (& responding) :-I

28th May 2008:

I feel so sad, anxious, tired, alert... I don't know/ do you know what I mean? I'm trying to hang on in there until the weekend when hopefully things will be better...

27th May 2008:

Feel all strange today... as if I am sad but deep down I am really happy... somehow... I don't know... Things are going really well...

18th May 2008:

Got up late today... felt tired and groggy... managed to do a few things... Recently, I am watching super hero movies... Last night I watched Hellboy... Just now I have watched Daredevil... and perhaps later on in the week I will watch Fantastic Four... These are all films that we have recorded on the mythTV box :-)

17th May 2008:

Hooray! At last... (it has started). The last 2 weeks have not been fun :-I

10th May 2008:

Yes, I thought I would do that next... Now it is Saturday and I don't feel very well... I seemed to have had a nose bleed through the night and now one of my ears is slightly blocked up too... so I feel quite irritable :-I I have declined to do some stuff today and now feel guilty about it :-I Anyway, will write this in order for me to get myself going... it is 9am...

I just thought that what if someone left comments on my site and they weren't nice - such as "stop talking about yourself!" - that's why I always thought not to have a blog but a diary/ journal... but anyway, I should think that I have just as much right as anyone else out there to write what I want to :-)

Also, being irritable - is dangerous because I feel as if I haven't done something and that that is making me feel irritable and so I mistakenly set about doing things to find that I still feel miserable afterwards... it's just a state of mind, I think, and that whatever I do or don't do will not change it much at this moment... you see, I am still waiting to start my period - once that begins, there is such a relief - as if a whole pressure has been lifted off me...

but I don't feel signs that it is going to start - eg. no stomach cramps :-I

... Things like the phone doesn't recharge in its pod... and I found some rechargeable spare batteries and put them in - now I can phone a friend - but I am thinking about trying to get going and do a few things at least before I call... anyway, I thought I would be joyous - being 'goody-goody' and putting the drained batteries onto recharge through a different recharger - but no, I still feel no better for doing that - as if I have missed some big point that this little triumph cannot compete with...

... when I came home from my parents last night... Jim had drank all the juice - and I was disappointed that he didn't leave any for me :-I why are things like this getting to me?

... Wow... now it is 10.30pm and I am in bed writing this... the day turned out ok - well, actually really good... :-) after I wrote the last bit in the morning I think I went out and bought some multi-vitamins and evening primrose oil ... we are going to Scotland and to combat the midges I was told Vitamin B works well... and so I got some but while pondering on the vitamin aisle at Boots, wondering what 3rd bottle of pills I could get in order to do the 3 for the price of 2 offer... I realised that perhaps I should get multi-vitamins and this might help with my mood... and now I think it has - after taking one in the morning - don't know if it is placebo - but I remember taking multi-vits at uni and then somehow they worked almost immediately - and I remember at the end of the day feeling that things weren't so bad...

oh, yes... also I slept... well snoozed for 40 mins at 12 noon - since I realised I was too tired to do anything else and was rather useless in this state... I had planned for 2 hours and set my alarm but my mobile went off and then I got up to tend to it... - and felt actually that I didn't want to snooze any further and that I felt fine... so I went round pottering doing everything... and got a lot done...

I have a mountain bike now... and gave it a wash and went riding on it on a bike trail - oh no... the thoughts of me putting my website up to be available to nearly everyone I know scares me - but also makes me realise that withholding info such as where I work, live and cycle - it just doesn't make for good reading - if you know me - and no one has tried to hack me as yet... perhaps, I don't need to be so anonymous anymore...

I will link this to Facebook soon - there are a few people who I know who know of my website but the majority of people do not... and so it might come as a shock to them... since normally in social situations I am overlooked - and so wow! - they don't really know me at all :-I which could be good or bad - but I feel it is time to show myself - and I seem to be feeling not so depressed all the time - with Jim's help... and to really 'rejoice' in being who I am :-)

Anyway, ok... back to today - yes, we went on the Phoenix Trail and it was a really nice cycle route - we didn't go very far because I needed a better saddle! and so will look online for a 'gel' saddle later on...

In some ways I am angry that people (friends) have tried to pigeon-hole me - tell me things that oh I wouldn't like that - and I realise that I have so many interests that I haven't developed very far because no one around me supported me - I feel they wanted to keep me in a glass box and to take me out and look at me once in a while and never allow me to grow or develop - it makes me quite mad...! but then there are people - some, Jim's friends, who I am getting to know and I realise that it wasn't me being a bad person that made me have no friends and mainly get spoken about at parties and gatherings etc... and no one would speak to me - only about me - that's why I hate gatherings - because everyone seems to have something to prove and for weak-minded individuals I am an easy target...

Anyway, I know that life doesn't have to be like that... I have found an opening... though, I know, I have been patient, holding on... letting these people speak bad of me... I knew - because they weren't really my friends - and that to be honest, I knew that to keep me safe - I should just not encourage them and just stay different... anyway, things are better now... I do put a lot of things on hold but am happy that now is the time where I can start living - and with Jim's help and support... he allows me to be me - without laughing or cracking jokes at me and the things I want to achieve in life :-) I am happy...

9th May 2008:

I have been thinking about changing my website into a WordPress blog... I think it is the right time now... and I want a most-talked-about word cloud on the rhs, etc... and I am thinking of dropping the other pages of the site... perhaps doing one-off blog entries for the other pages (except my booklists - they seemed like a task too mammoth for me to upkeep properly anyway and were never up to date...)

4th May 2008:

Maybe I will just write a bit in this webdiary - it is for certain that less hours sleep is more beneficial to me... I feel better again and back on track... yes, I am flattered and honoured - by something in my life at the moment - no I am not pregnant - but just really honoured... and feel v. happy :-)... and the summer is coming... and the sunshine... I suppose I am doing ok really...

I can't get too humbled/ honoured because I could easily get ill... and so I will stop now and do normal things...

3rd May 2008:

Now I feel groggy and doing things out of order... not v. efficient - it is unfortunately, that time of the month again... I have just put the dinner on and will do other things now - cleaning a bit and then read a bit :-I Ok... I have done a bit of tidying the flat... feel a bit better... also, I put earplugs in my ears... sometimes that helps... and it has :-I Also, knowing I have a set length of time before the chicken dinner is done in the oven, makes it easier to do small tasks and then a 'now what else can I do?' scenario always makes me feel good...

Ok now going off to clean wipe a container that I hold my hairbrushes in...

2nd May 2008:

I can't believe I tricked/ misjudged myself out of 2 hours extra in each day! - it's one of the disadvantages of always wanting to re-inventing the wheel (I mean: I didn't pay attention to what most people say about sleeping too much = tired the next day...) or is it so? Or am I just alert & happy these last 2 weeks?... will it end? (not if I nurture it).

1st May 2008:

I feel like I am indebted... I feel touched & humbled...